so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
