so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize