Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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