If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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