Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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