we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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