Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Randomize
