he puts the penis in happiness.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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