just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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