You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
You have to summon your inner elephant
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize