There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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