I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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