My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
