he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
