At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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