I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
My cat gives me a boner
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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