you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
