I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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