see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
