my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
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