but the lizard people decide everything anyway
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize