Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
