Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
can u get pink eye on your cock?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
