I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
