Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize