so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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