When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
