how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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