ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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