this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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