i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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