Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
