Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
