I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize