My girlfriend figured out who you are.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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