I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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