Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
