she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
