I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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