I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
