How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
My vagina just recognized that song.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize