Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
