Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
