You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
