I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
