is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
