Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Nicole vs. Life
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
