Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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