my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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