I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
