Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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