sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
