I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Only a mothe r could love this liver
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize