I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
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